Moving on....

is something we must do but I find myself asking how. How are we supposed to just let go? We realize that the girls never belonged to us and that they are Renay's children and ultimately it's her decision. I wish we didn't know what day they are going to be born. Knowing the date just makes me want to be there more. We stayed guarded for a long time when we first matched and as things progressed we dropped that guard. It just seemed soo real!

We had a good weekend all in all. We went out of town Saturday and came home Sunday. It was nice to be able to just get away. I think it was the first step in healing our hearts. We really needed that time together! We pray that we NEVER have to experience this pain again. We thank God for not letting us meet them before Renay changed her mind! After holding them in our arms I think we would have rather died than to have given them up.

I spoke with our coordinator yesterday and if for some reason Renay reconsiders placing the girls they would call us first. For now we have decided to proceed onto the next step. We can't get our heart set on her changing her mind. If it happens that's great if not we have moved on. They will start showing our profile and DVD to potential birthmoms ASAP. When the time is right God will bless us with a family!

Missy the verse below that you sent me to a while back has helped me through this!

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, lean not unto your own understanding, but in all your way acknowledge him and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Two Broken Hearts!

We received the call yesterday that no adoptive parents EVER want to receive! The agency informed us that Renay has changed her mind and decided to parent the girls. We are extremely overwhelmed with saddness. It feels like they have died. I know that is not the case but my heart just aches. I know time will heal our pain and the baby that is meant for us will be sent our way but it's soo hard to let go. We have been matched with Renay for four long months now and had gotten to know her and her family so well. This pain is worse than any negative pregnancy test or negative beta we ever received! I feel like I'm having the worst nightmare of my life and I'm ready to wake up.

For those of you who are learning about this here on the blog I apologize! It's been very hard for me to tell anyone. I couldn't even tell Chad. I had the agency to call him and send him over to my work to pick me up. Then he phoned parents and grandparents so that I didn't have to place the calls. I know he's hurting to and I know it was hard for him as well. Thank you Chad and I love you!

One more week......

and we will be heading north! I can't believe it's getting soo close! It seems like just yesterday we got the phone call about Renay's situation. I didn't think time would fly so fast but it really has. Now if we can just get through this last week and a half of anticipation we'll be doing great! Everyone keeps saying rest now while you still can. Yeah right! The excitement and anticipation is getting the best of me.

Sunday I hear Chad just laughing in the kitchen. He's standing there holding a bag of chips with a bag of salad clipped to them. We had pizza and salad the night before and while I was cleaning up the kitchen instead of putting the salad in the fridge I just clipped it to the chips and slung it in the cabinet! So much for that bag of salad mix!

Brain stem biopsy scheduled.....

for next Thursday, July 19th. We are praying for good news. Renay has requested to speak with us one more time before we travel. I'm excited to get to speak with her again! It's been over three weeks since our last phone call. I think it will be good to get reacquainted before we meet in person. She has graciously agreed to us spending some time with her the days before delivery. Soo EXCITED!!

Bitter Sweet.....

is the way I think of things! It seems after the tests that her cancer has also spread to her other eye and to her brain stem. Her left eye doesn't appear to be as progressed as her right so the doctors are hoping that they will be able to maintain her vision in at least that eye. The name of the cancer from my understanding is Myeloma. It seems to be a very rare cancer that normally occurs in older individuals. It saddens me to know that it's not a curable cancer and is only treatable to prolong her life. She was having a hard time with things but has now chose to spend the rest of her time with her children instead of being depressed and crying. I'm sure she has her days when it's harder than others but to a degree I believe she's trying to find peace with her prognosis.

Her doctors have decided to perform a c-section on Friday, July 27th, to deliver the babies. She sent word that I'd better be there in the delivery room with her. Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss it for the world! We have made the decision to leave on Tuesday and spend the night maybe half way and drive the rest on Wednesday morning. That would give us Wednesday afternoon and Thursday to spend with Renay. We would like to do something with her and maybe go out to dinner. We were also thinking we'd take lots of pictures and maybe some video clips for the girls to have later in life. Most likely they will NEVER have the chance to meet or even speak with their biological mother. I believe this is one of the harder things for me. I really wanted for them to have the choice when they're grown to find their Mom. I have asked that we be kept informed about Renay after placement. They have assured me that we will be. We are extremely excited to welcome them into our lives and home but also extremely sad for Renay and her other children!! As I said it's just BITTER SWEET!

Sneak Peak

Thought I would post something more upbeat. I decided that everyone might like a sneak peak at their room. It is now finished! We decided we needed to step on it since the babies could be born soon. Their names have been a working progress. I had Emma's name painted and ready to hang about two days before Ella made her grand appearance. Meagan came over tonight and we added the ribbon and got them up on the wall. I couldn't have done it without her help. Thanks again! It was nice to stay busy and keep my brain occupied even if it did drive us a little crazy. We hope to have more answers from the tests soon!

Answers please!

Renay's doctors have scheduled several tests for tomorrow. One of the tests will be a full body scan where they can determine if the cancer has spread to another part of her body. This will also allow them to check the babies and make sure everything is ok with them. We are praying for more answers tomorrow. They hope to know how progressed the cancer is and to determine how long they can leave the babies before she must have treatment. The babies could be here as early as next week or they may determine they can stay a little longer. Everything is soo uncertain at this point. Everyone is just sick with worry for her, her children, and the babies. This is just so unimaginable! I know I shouldn't ask why but sometimes I find myself wanting to ask. Please continue to pray!

Not what we expected!

We expected to speak with Renay tonight and see how she was feeling. That's not what took place! Instead we received a call from Sandy, our consultant, with an update. Renay had to go back to the cancer specialist today and received devastating news. She didn't feel up to talking tonight. The tumor is larger than they originally thought and the cancer has spread to her eye. The doctor wants to go in and remove the tumor and her right eye. This would leave her with very limited vision. The doctor is saying that if they wait and do nothing it will spread to her brain. She desperately wants a second opinion so she is trying to get in with another specialist this week. If he says the same thing they will proceed with the surgery. I really wish there was something more we could do for her. She is just asking for everyone's prayers!

The results are in.....

and Renay has cancer. We are concerned and worried for her and her family. She is taking things very hard! At this time she is staying with her mother so that she doesn't have to be alone. She will be able to begin treatment immediately. According to her cancer specialist and high risk pregnancy specialist it will cause no harm to the babies. They are going to begin by draining the fluid from her eye and then administer three low dose treatments of radiation to shrink the tumor. We are hoping to get to speak with her this week. That will give us a better idea of how she's coping.

Renay needs our prayers!

She has been having some trouble with blurred vision and headaches. On Tuesday she visited her eye doctor thinking that she was just needing glasses. During her exam they discovered a tumor behind her right eye. It seems that it's attached to her optic nerve causing her headaches and blurred vision. It's also causing her left eye to be strained and to work overtime to compensate for the blurred vision in her right eye. She has an appointment scheduled with a specialist on Friday for a biopsy. After the results from the biopsy we will know more about how this will affect the rest of the pregnancy. Please keep her, her family, and the babies in your prayers.